It is so very important that our children know without a doubt that we love them no matter how they look or what they do. They need to be able to trust us enough to tell us how they feel in different situations, and even things that they might be ashamed to tell us. Did you know that an estimated 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually victimized before their 18th birthday? Only 1 in 10 will ever tell anyone about the abuse they endured. Why is that?
I don’t claim to know all the answers but I can tell you why I didn’t tell anyone about my own abuse until recently. The subject of sex was embarrassing and “taboo” when I was growing up. It wasn’t something our family talked about except for statements like, “don’t even hold hands with a boy because…I was a boy once and I know!” or “don’t ever let a boy be fresh.” I don’t blame them for the way they taught me -my parents were probably taught the same way when they were growing up! Unfortunately though, when sexual abuse occurred, instead of getting help, the victims in our family felt shame and guilt, as if it were their own fault that they were abused. And because they didn’t talk about it and find the help they needed, the guilt carried on and caused low self esteem and many other emotional issues.
This guilt and shame will never end without a deep faith in Jesus Christ and His forgiveness. The abuse will continue to cycle through the generations without alot of prayer and communication. My husband and I are determined to stop that cycle of abuse and pain in our own family through the blood of Jesus. He and I attended a marriage class a year ago in which I acknowledged the abuse I endured and had hidden deep in my heart. It was very difficult to express my experiences to him, and to pray for each person involved, but it was very freeing to be able to forgive them as well. I don’t have to be held captive by the feelings of guilt and negative thoughts that Satan tried to use against me for practically my whole life. Jesus’ blood covered it all when He died for me (and every person ever born) on the cross. He rose again, defeating death once and for all, and is preparing a place for us to be with him for eternity where there will be no more abuse, pain, sorrow, guilt, shame, or sadness.
We determined when our children were little that we would talk to them about their bodies. We were a little paranoid, probably, but Scott having had an abundance of freedom as a child, and I hiding past abuse, wanted to make sure our kids were safe. I had a dream when our daughter was only 3 that, I believe, was inspired by God because when I woke up at 5am, an entire manuscript was in my head and I frantically wrote it out as fast as I could before it disappeared. That manuscript (at the time we called “Who is a Stranger”) became a tool we used to talk to our children about how special and important they are to us, as well as to be aware of strangers and keeping their bodies private. I made a copy for each of our kids and we all cut and pasted magazine clippings and colored and talked. The mistake I made was trying to fit too much information in all at once, and they soon didn’t want to look at their books anymore. The good thing, though, is that the door had been opened for communication. Even at ages 11, 16 and 17 1/2 our kids continue to talk to us. The best talks are when we have one-on-one time AWAY from home, even if it’s just sitting in the car outside Dairy Queen with our treats so we can communicate without interruptions.
As time went on, Scott helped me edit the book, change the name to “Who Should I Trust?”, and we attempted to find agents and/or publishers. The first agent we contacted turned out to be a fraud who ended up in jail! After that we received rejections or no reply at all. It was my nature to feel discouraged, but now I believe that it was not the right time yet. I think that God had a lot more work to do in me before He could use my negative experiences to be a blessing to others.
So, here we are approximately 9 years later and “Who Should I Trust?” is actually on the market, available to anyone practically anywhere. It’s really almost unbelievable how quickly it all seemed to come together just these past 3 months. Xulon zipped through the editing, designing the front and back cover and whooshed it to the printer, and voila!! Here it is! We are excited to see our book in print and pray that it is a blessing to help parents and children to grow deeper bonds with each other, to help prevent children from being abused or abducted, and even to comfort and give hope to people who have been abused. On top of that, we have promised Christian Family Services 50% of the profits from the sales of this book. These funds will help Christian families to adopt newborn babies who may otherwise be aborted or put into foster care. Lord willing, we will be one of those families soon!
I hope you were blessed by reading this blog, and that you will pass that blessing on to others who may need it. You can find “Who Should I Trust?” on Amazon, Xulon Press, Barnes & Noble, Google, and our website: here.
God be with you!
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